Direct or flow?

 

Soft and flowing is the river; firm and direct are the river banks -

neither can exist without the other.

Last weekend, my Integration Training colleagues and I spent the day with a curious group of Brightonian men and women exploring how to be attractive from the inside out.  Such fun!

Martin Egan deftly introduced the concepts of how we present ourselves energetically …. on a continuum from the soft and flowing to the direct and firm. Simply the volume and tone we used to introduce ourselves began revealing where we stood on the continuum. Was I “Contemplative Clare” or “Courageous Clare”? [Take a moment to find a few adjectives to go with your name - notice the different volume and tone you would use if you spoke them out aloud; notice if they tend toward soft and flowing or direct and firm].

Thus we began the exploration of whether we tend toward the soft, feminine end of the continuum, or the direct, masculine end of the continuum. Not male and female, but more the underlying energetic sense of who we are. Would we agree that Nelson Mandella reflects both masculine and feminine sensibilities, as does Hillary Clinton? That Marilyn Monroe was the quintessential feminine and John Wayne the exemplar masculine? And in any event, why is any of this relevant?

Relevant in several ways:

• gives deeper meaning to the old saying “opposites attract”;
• reveals more about the ebb and flow of relationship;
• offers more information about how to manage relationship conflict.

John Gray, Ph.D. began to reveal gender difference to the mainstream in the early 1990’s in his series of books themed Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus and since the late 1990’s the probably less well-known pioneering work of David Deida has been examining the difference between the masculine and the feminine as it manifests in relationship. He describes the arc of attraction between the soft feminine and direct masculine as a natural phenomenon which can be harnessed for benefit in relationship. Knowing where we naturally stand on the continuum, where our partner stands, developing access together to the under-developed aspects of ourselves can expand the capacity of relationship.

As John Gottman, Ph.D. has revealed in his Pacific North-West love lab, couples who have long-term, satisfying relationships have the kind of emotional intelligence which allows them to be present for one another, manage their physiology so that conflict is less stressful and recovery more rapid, and allow their partner to influence them at appropriate times.  These are all qualities found at the softer, more feminine end of the continuum.  This doesn’t mean that women are necessarily better at being present, managing conflict or being influenced! It does mean that both men and women who appear at the more direct end of the continuum will benefit in relationship if they can expand their capacity toward the other, softer end.  It also means that men and women who find it difficult to make a decision, stand up for themselves, and buckle under pressure will also benefit in relationship if they can expand their capacity at the firm, masculine end of the continuum.

If you’re interested in more information, the Evening Seminars and Weekend Workshops of Prepare2Partner’s Programme, starting in London in January 2010 will be exploring these type of issues.

Preparing 2 Partner

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

Rumi

To borrow the famous words of another famous man: I have a dream…

I have a dream that couples will routinely seek guidance before they commit to partnership, where they explore how well they know themselves and each other, how compatible they are, if they have a shared vision of their future together – all before making a commitment to one another.  All before The Ring or The Proposal, getting pregnant or living together.

Why do I have this dream?

Because I’ve been consulted by too many unhappy couples; experienced the impact of separation and divorce on too many innocent children; and I truly believe satisfying, juicy, enduring relationships are possible.  Possible IF there is preparation.

What kind of preparation?  Too simple to say conscious, emotionally intelligent preparation to partner, but it’s something along those lines.  I have worked with too many couples who, when it really comes down to that cold-light-of-day-reality truth telling, will admit that had they taken more time at the outset, done more exploration, not dived so soon into living together, or having a baby, or planning the wedding (rather than the marriage), they probably wouldn’t have chosen to stay together beyond the dazzle of the honeymoon phase. Back to the “I like grapefruit, you like grapefruit; let’s move in together!” type assessment which is so compelling in the moment, and so lacking in the long run.

Greg and Jill* are the kind of couple I love to work with and represent the vision I hold for the future for all couples. A devout Roman Catholic and a practicing Jew, they came to see me knowing they loved one another deeply but having grave concerns about how to blend their families and raise their potential children.

In their late twenties/early thirties, one a professional and one studying for a Ph.D., Greg and Jill had been dating for about nine months when they first consulted with me. Even as they walked into my office for the first time I was struck with the tenderness they showed one another, the care and concern, and they continually demonstrated mutual respect, openness and honesty.  Certainly, the going got tough from time to time, but their underlying care for one another provided a firm foundation.

What a joy to be exploring their religious and spiritual beliefs, what shared meaning they might make of these for their children, how to respectfully introduce their families to one another given the differences (with consequent potential misunderstandings and prejudices). We made a plan for our work. We explored their beliefs and traditions in detail, each agreeing to attend the other’s place of worship in a mood of curiousity and open-ness. We examined their religious high days and holidays, their significance, and how it might be possible to celebrate both sets of traditions under one roof. We looked at ways to involve children in all these traditions and how sense could be made of a seemingly disparate jumble of eating special food, candle lighting, praying, singing and worshipping.

We took into account the particular nature of their parents’ circumstances – who they were, what they believed in, personal religious traditions, idiosyncratic dreams for their respective son and daughter in terms of future partner. Greg and Jill acknowledged that both sets of parents were hoping for a Catholic-Catholic union on one side, a Jewish-Jewish union on the other. A mix was not on their wish list. We gently explored ways of easing the blend, winning them over, creating the possibility for success on both sides.

To do this, both Greg and Jill  had to be willing to explore their family of origin issues, know their triggers, find ways to manage their mood, stay committed to making each other a priority, listen deeply to each other’s stories and what mattered – really mattered – about their belief system. They had their work cut out! But the love they felt for one another provided the glue; emotional integrity the firm foundation.

THIS is what I desire for couples! Some dedicated couples can achieve this with the nudge of a great book like The 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You  Say “I Do” by Susan Piver, or better still, others will take the opportunity to explore their unique concerns with someone who’s trained to see the bigger picture.

In January I will be launching the Prepare2Partner Programme – a series of workshops and seminars to explore those key qualities of partnership I’ve been blogging about over the last month or so. Comment below or sign up on the contact page to be the first to know the details!

 

*all client names (and some circumstances) changed to take care of confidentiality

Spirituality and personal growth

As I survey the title “Spirituality and personal growth” I don’t know where to begin. Finding the photo was relatively easy, but expressing what’s in my heart is another matter.

As Oprah says on the last page of her magazines, “what I know for sure is…” if I am my best self, and my partner is his best self, then we have the possibility for a sensational relationship. When I falter, the quality of our relationship suffers; the same when he stumbles. When we both trip, we have to rely on our well-laid historical foundations to see us through until we can both be centred again, back to our best selves with our best foot forward.

To me, this is what spirituality and personal growth is all about.  

I am my most spiritual when I am connected to what I care about, what moves me, what inspires me, that which is greater than any human being could ever be … my Higher Power. Sometimes my Higher Power is a Christian God, sometimes the Goddess, sometimes the Buddha, sometimes Angelic, and I acknowledge for others can show up in many other forms, or for agnostics and atheists, perhaps not at all. Key here is the notion that I am my best self when I’m connected to what I deeply care about (loving honest, compassionate, authentic, etc.) and at these times, the best partner I can be.

Why would I want to be anything less?  Well, I don’t want to be anything less but stuff gets in the way.  Life stuff. Historical influences, being stressed out, having aches and pains, being in a bad mood, wanting what I don’t have instead of being grateful for what I do have, worrying….. you get the picture.

So how do I attain the goal of being my best self? Well, through my own experience and what I hear from the experts, I do believe it’s having daily practices. Because rather than practice makes perfect, I prefer to say practice makes permanent. We’re practicing something all of the time and what we practice we get good at. Which is both the good news and the bad news. What we practice we get good at (our job, being loving, a sport, being on time, saving) and what we practice we get good at (negative self-talk, being critical of others as well, being late, spending).

Which brings us to the question of what to practice in relationship? Previous blogs have explored some of the key ingredients to statistically successful partnerships so I recommend paying attention to practicing: being honest, loving, compassionate, forgiving, listening deeply, being curious, having fun, knowing yourself and your partner really well, managing your mood, spending quality time together, being affectionate, paying attention, making one another a priority, saying loving and caring things, having shared meaning.

What about practices for self? Room for lots of creativity here! Experts recommend activities such as: meditation, exercise, healthy eating, self-affirming thinking or affirmations, gratitude journal, enough sleep, a job you love, indulgent self-care, quality time for self and friends, hobbies and so on.

To consider:

• what are you practicing? now? generally? 
• are you practicing things that don’t support who you want to be and what you want to achieve?
• what new practices could be substituted for the ones not useful?
• do you need help or support in changing some of your practices? who can you ask for help? friend or professional?

Happy Anniversary!

Today is our third wedding anniversary and I’m grateful I can post this ahead of time and take the day off to be with my partner.  Happy Anniversary to my sweetheart, who I appreciate so much and love unreservedly.

Shared meaning

Shared meaning?  By this I mean literally sharing the meaning of your lives together. If Bob’s goal is to have an easy life, take lots of time for rest, relaxation and travel and his wife Pat’s goal is to climb the career ladder, attend social events supporting this endeavour, network extensively in the business world to open up possibilities for advancement at alternative firms …. then, they’re probably going to be in some conflict.

In contrast, imagine Laura and Meg, partnered for a decade, who both have high-powered jobs and have to carefully manage the little time available to spend together. They met when Laura was walking her beautiful brown labrador Beau, and Meg was out jogging. With a love of nature and the outdoors, their time together at the weekend always includes time in the countryside near their home, or further afield when they take off for some special reconnecting time.  Meg rediscovered her childhood fondness of dogs through Laura and Beau, and when time permits, they volunteer at the local animal shelter together.  Their dream is to create the type of work where they can be home enough to train labradors for the blind.

Herein lies the clue to shared meaning. This is something more than career, something more akin to what you were put on this earth to do, your mission in life.  And mission can change, depending on life-cycle and timing.

Mike and Helen are newly-weds getting down to the business of furnishing their home – for them it is a serious yet fun business. Choosing paint colours and fabrics, testing out beds and sofas and chairs, finding just the right lamp or nest of tables for the empty corner in the living room … activities they love to do together.  Even decorating, together.  Initially their shared meaning is nesting and as time goes by it will undoubtedly evolve into something else. Perhaps they’ll find a hobby together, perhaps a cause to support, maybe they’ll have children and have to decide who’s going to stay home to be the primary care-giver, at least for the first few months or years.

For those couples whose children and child-rearing become their shared meaning, trouble can come knocking as those children become adolescents and prepare to launch into the world of independence. What will Mom and Dad do now? Do they have anything in common? Can they transform their focus on raising a family to something else meaningful? 

Perhaps they’ll discover a shared love of some pursuit like golf, biking, racing, hiking or ski-ing; perhaps something like antiquing, music, gardening or travel.  Or maybe they’ll take up a cause like Meg and Laura – volunteering for a charity, supporting the environment or a political candidate, their local church, or getting involved in their community in some way.

For some people, getting in touch with what gives them meaning is incredibly easy, obvious, they’ve always known it about themselves.  How about you? What gives your life meaning?

Emotional integrity

Integrity

Working with a couple last year, I mentioned casually that it sounded to me like they wanted an emotionally intelligent relationship and Beth asked me to repeat what I’d said.  ”Emotional intelligence?”  ”Yes” she said “never heard it before.”  I was surprised, but perhaps my decades in California familiarised concepts to me not yet widely known in the UK.  And if emotional intelligence is an unfamiliar concept, then I imagine emotional integrity is a new one for some of my readers.  So, what is emotional integrity?  Well, how about emotional intelligence on steroids?!

Daniel Goleman, Ph.D. coined the term EQ to mean Emotional Intelligence (and has written a book by the same name) and this refers to someone who has an intelligence beyond the IQ (intelligence quotient) with which most of us are familiar. EQ is about our emotional landscape. Are we familiar with the terrain of  mood and emotions? Are we able to experience a wide range of emotions (the good, the bad and the ugly)? Can we communicate our moods and emotions with clarity and honesty? Can we manage our moods, are we able to access them, act accordingly and process them? For some, I get that even these questions will be somewhat alien. 

The relationships experts talk about partnership needing to be an emotional safe zone – where we know, absolutely without a doubt, that we are safe to explore our deepest joy and our darkest fears with one another, without fear of attack or retribution.  Such a safe zone can only be created when we have a deep knowledge of one another, a means of managing conflict, appreciate and nurture each other, and a capacity for emotional integrity that provides a safety net to reinforce an already strong foundation.

I often find my clients don’t know what an emotional safety net or zone is because they didn’t have one as a child.  And this points to the first obstacle facing many couples in building this part of their foundation. Pretty difficult to build anything without a model. If, like the majority of us, you have “hot buttons” or triggers which set off moods of anger, anxiety, fear, sadness or a desire to distance and protect yourself, they were likely developed for good reason while you were growing up to defend against things going on around you which were difficult to manage.

To consider:

• if you are in a relationship, does it provide an emotional safety zone? if not, how do you know and what keeps it from being safe?
• what could make your relationship have an emotional safety zone?
• what would you need to do differently to provide safety? how about your partner?
• do you know what your emotional triggers are? your partner’s?
• if you are single, what do you look for in a potential partner to tell you whether or not they have the capacity for having emotional integrity? providing an emotional safety zone?
• do you know what your emotional triggers are? where they came from?
• reflecting on past relationships, can you see how partners’ triggers have affected you?

 

Nurturing

For something to grow and thrive, it needs to be nurtured. Nurtured? This includes feeding, protecting, cajoling, encouraging, loving, supporting, fostering development, even training and educating.

In the context of relationship, we benefit the most when each partner is responsible for nurturing three things:

• self
• other
• relationship

When I am nurturing myself I can say I am my best self – feeling loveable and loving.  When I ignore my own needs, sacrificing them for somebody or something else, I begin to lose confidence and assurance, eventually feeling less loveable and definitely less loving toward my partner. It’s hard to be open to influence and be willing to compromise when I feel yucky about myself or my partner; I stop feeling curious about how my partner’s day went when I’m wound up inside with my own self-pity or anguish.

Reminds me of a story I often tell clients about self-care.  Remember the last time you flew on a plane?  Remember when the flight attendant went through the emergency procedure and talked about the oxygen masks? Well, it’s no mistake you are instructed to put on your own oxygen mask first, and then turn to help your dependents.  If you try to put theirs on first, you’ll be out of oxygen and expire in front of their eyes! Unless you take care of yourself first, no-one else can rely on you for support.

Which reminds me of the alternative version of the Serenity Prayer, another favourite of mine. “Grant me the serenity to accept the person I cannot change, the courage to change the person I can, and the wisdom to know it is me” (and only me!).

Nurturing self, other and the relationship help form a powerful foundation so that in the face of challenging times, a couple can overcome their difficulties more easily.  For me, a couple who nurture their relationship are nurturing their fondness and admiration for one another, deepening respect, proving to one another that they really like and choose one another every single day.  One way to explore what you appreciate about yourself and your partner is to fill in the blank: 

• I appreciate …… (about me)
• I appreciate …… (about you)

Make a list of as many things as you can think of for yourself and your partner. Examples could be: 

• I appreciate using my skills to generate income for us
• I appreciate my sensitivity in dealing with your family
• I appreciate my commitment to our financial budget
• I appreciate how supportive I am to you in your ventures
• I appreciate how organized I keep the house
• I appreciate how flexible I am with your unpredictable schedule

• I appreciate how generous you are with me
• I appreciate when you empty the dishwasher
• I appreciate what a good mood you live in
• I appreciate when you bring me a cup of tea in bed
• I appreciate the loving things you say to me
• I appreciate the commitment to fidelity you have in our marriage

Then, when the time is right, explain what you’ve been up to and share the list about your partner with your partner!  This usually produces smiles, chuckles and ultimately, mutual appreciation. Well done!

To consider:

• how do you nurture yourself? what does self-care mean to you and how do you engage in self-care?
• how does your partner like to be nurtured and appreciated? (if you don’t know, ask)
• if you don’t have a partner, what would they appreciate about you?
• if you are single, what would you like to appreciate about a partner?

Influence and compromise

Imagine a relationship where power is shared.  Where each partner allows the other influence.  Where both are equally willing to compromise. Where “yield” does not refer to a traffic sign but a way of relating. Imagine yielding to win! Such is the goal for couples who work with me on increasing the satisfaction quotient in their partnership.

I cringe internally when faced with a couple for whom being right is more important than being loved and loveable.  It happens much too often. And the joy of witnessing the transformation from here to one of respectful compromise! I’ll be honest though – this doesn’t happen easily, and it doesn’t happen overnight. When couples are in the habit, or practice, of needing to be right, then they’re usually very good at being right and hardly know where to start to give up ground and be willing to yield.

So we start gradually, with things each is willing to give and take.  Is Meg willing to take her book to bed and read there rather than on the couch downstairs in return for her partner Di going to bed half an hour earlier, so they can actually retire at the same time?  Is Dan willing to be home from work by 6:00 pm one evening during the week so he and his partner Beth can have dinner together, in return for Beth re-arranging that evening’s workout to the morning?

With success under our belt for the smaller things, we can then move on to the more challenging concerns like holiday destinations, celebrating Christmas with family (or not), how to bring up the children when parents have different religious beliefs and so on.

I am grateful to have worked with a young couple who loved one another so much, but were concerned to have very different backgrounds – she was a committed and practicing Roman Catholic and he was an equally committed and practicing Jew.  They were smart enough to seek consultation before making a commitment to one another, wanting to explore how their diverging backgrounds could be successfully blended.

We worked over the period of nearly a year and during that time had many emotional sessions where sometimes there were positive outcomes and sometimes there were setbacks, but our overall outcome was their willingness to allow influence and compromise to inform their decisions in planning a life together.  They celebrated their marriage with a specially designed ceremony combining the most important facets of each of their faiths and, while some of their narrower-minded family and friends appeared a little baffled by it all, announced their satisfaction at the first of many hurdles well managed.

To consider:

• where do you dig your heels in, to the detriment of your relationship(s)?
• where could you compromise? how could you make the first step toward making that compromise?
• do you allow your partner to influence you? sometimes? never? how could you make the first step toward allowing an appropriate influence?
• if you’re single, consider with whom you might practice compromising and influencing / being influenced?

Making each other a priority

When Mike and Sue consulted me about their unsatisfying marriage, Mike attended grudgingly.  He was clear that he worked hard at his job, 60 hours a week was usual, and unless the relationship could take care of itself, then he thought he’d picked the wrong partner.  I’m sad to report that many of the men who consult with me feel this way.  I’m usually successful at revealing to them that this is a notion based in fantasy, but sometimes not.

When I am successful there is a genuine opening for the couple to move toward one another again and renew their connection and intimacy.  For here’s the truth about satisfying, enduring relationships – sit down if you’re not already sitting down and take a deep breath – they take work.  Work?  Yes, work.  And it can be joyous, fun work!  Honestly!  Isn’t it fun to go out on a date?  How about idling away Sunday in bed? Or giving one another a full body massage? Or connecting through conversation or hiking or biking or strolling along by the river or …. what do you love to do together?

One of the things all these activities have in common is that the couple is making one another a priority. We are so busy these days that it’s all too easy to only meet briefly before bedtime during the week and have separate activities planned for much of the weekend. If you consider John Gottman’s concept of love maps pretty much the only way to know one another deeply is to spend quality time together. 

So what are some of the things that typically get in the way of making one another a priority?  Common things I hear from couples:

• work
• commuting and travel
• children
• other family members
• affairs
• hobbies and interests
• friends
• addictions and habits (alcohol, drugs, internet, porn, gambling, food)
• fear and unresolved historical concerns causing avoidance
• mental health issues (depression, anxiety and complex concerns)
• chronic ill-health

Of these, by far the most common are the top four which tend to lead to the others.

Once a couple has got into the routine of not spending time together it can be difficult to change course – whatever we practice we get really good at – so some couples I see have forgotten how to connect.  But connection is like riding a bicycle – get back on, and you find you haven’t forgotten after all. Simply making time to go for a walk one evening during the week or at the weekend; or arranging to have dinner together (preferably out where someone else is doing the work and the couple is not distracted by preparation and clear-up) is a good start.

Don’t let this be your story:

…One day, reaching out to each other,

they found a barrier they could not penetrate,

and recoiling from the coldness of the stone,

each retreated from the stranger on the other side.

For when love dies, it is not in a moment of angry battle,

not when fiery bodies lose their heat.

It lies panting, exhausted

expiring at the bottom of a wall it could not scale.

Anonymous – The Wall

 

For singles to consider:

• if you were to get into relationship, what takes up your time now that could be modified to accommodate a partner?
• what activities would you like to share with a partner? what hobbies and interests might you share?
• do you have any time consuming solo activities that could interfere with “us” time?
• do you have any historical concerns that might get in the way of making your partner a priority?

For couples to consider:

• how much of a priority do you make one another now? (rate yourself and each other on a scale of 1-10)  how satisfied are you?
• what activities would you like to do together that you are not currently making time for?
• what needs to be less of a priority in order to make “us” a priority? what’s getting in the way of making each other a priority? is it the same for you both, or different?

Managing conflict

One of the first personal transformation events I attended was run by family systems therapist John Bradshaw.  I found myself in a triad with a young couple and I learned a lot from them that day.  She explained that in her family her parents never argued, then one day they did, and then they divorced.  He explained that in his family they argued all the time, gloriously, robustly, for-all-they-were-worth, and lived harmoniously the rest of the time.

Two things struck me: firstly, no wonder they were together (based on the repetition-compulsion theory that we are compelled to repeat unsolved scenarios over time in an effort to finally solve them); and secondly, no wonder they were having such a difficult time being together.  She was flooded almost all the time, scared half to death that he was going to leave; he was provoking her left, right and centre trying to get the type of reaction he was used to, one that he interpreted as “love” – and they were in the land of nightmares.

This sweet, confused couple from twenty years ago taught me so much about conflict.  Our family of origin experience of conflict has a lot to do with how we experience conflict later in life; hence there are different perceptions of what constitutes conflict – what is upsetting to one person isn’t to another.  In therapy training we were taught the standard methodology of having couples “mirror” back to one another what the other said to build empathy and understanding and, frankly, I haven’t found this works effectively with many couples.  

This is because our physiology gets upset when we are in conflict, unable to maintain its homeostasis.  When faced with such an upset our automatic (and I mean automatic, we are not at choice about this) survival instincts kick in and we are going to respond with some version of fight, flight, freeze or disassociate.  Imagine these responses on a continuum from 1-100 where 1 is a minimal response and 100 is an obvious and monumental response.  Some people may experience a slight increase in heart rate, start perspiring a little and have some underlying agitation; others will have a marked increase in heart rate so that it races to an uncomfortable level, perspiration will break out on their brow, in their armpits and perhaps on the palms of their hands, and they will become fidgety, with raised eyebrows and crinkled forehead, ready for action.

It is this somatic (physiological, whole body, whole person) response which holds the key in how a couple will manage conflict.  The extent to which someone becomes overtaken by a flood of the stress response determines the extent to which they can engage in rational conversation to work out a challenging situation.  The more flooded they are, the less equipped they are to reason and converse.  The less flooded they are, the more equipped they are to figure things out in conversation.

Imagine a couple where both are completely flooded with emotion and somatic sensation – there is absolutely no way they can engage with one another constructively in this aroused state.  My suggestion for couples having this experience is to find a way to:

• acknowledge for themselves that they are flooded
• let their partner know in some pre-determined way they are flooded and need to take a break
• take a break
• during the break engage in self-soothing activities to bring down their aroused physiological state to one of calmness
• reconvene for a conversation when they have both reached a sufficient level of calm as to be constructive (using all types of tools we will have worked on in session)

One of the tools to be used when calm is maintaining that the problem is the problem, rather than the partner is the problem.

For example, Rose complains that her partner Jane agreed to fill up the petrol tank and didn’t.  A useful complaint-type statement goes something like this: “Jane, I feel disappointed and angry that you didn’t fill up the petrol tank before returning the car to me, especially when you agreed you would.”  This is very different to: “You never do what you promise, you always say you’ll do this and that and you never do, you always let me down!”  Here’s a legitimate complaint versus an attacking criticism.

[HINT: almost any time a sentence is peppered with always and never, a couple's in trouble].

Both John Gottman, Ph.D. and Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. have excellent ideas for handling conflict in their books – we’ll explore them in other blogs.