Soft and flowing is the river; firm and direct are the river banks -
neither can exist without the other.
Last weekend, my Integration Training colleagues and I spent the day with a curious group of Brightonian men and women exploring how to be attractive from the inside out. Such fun!
Martin Egan deftly introduced the concepts of how we present ourselves energetically …. on a continuum from the soft and flowing to the direct and firm. Simply the volume and tone we used to introduce ourselves began revealing where we stood on the continuum. Was I “Contemplative Clare” or “Courageous Clare”? [Take a moment to find a few adjectives to go with your name - notice the different volume and tone you would use if you spoke them out aloud; notice if they tend toward soft and flowing or direct and firm].
Thus we began the exploration of whether we tend toward the soft, feminine end of the continuum, or the direct, masculine end of the continuum. Not male and female, but more the underlying energetic sense of who we are. Would we agree that Nelson Mandella reflects both masculine and feminine sensibilities, as does Hillary Clinton? That Marilyn Monroe was the quintessential feminine and John Wayne the exemplar masculine? And in any event, why is any of this relevant?
Relevant in several ways:
- gives deeper meaning to the old saying “opposites attract”;
- reveals more about the ebb and flow of relationship;
- offers more information about how to manage relationship conflict.
John Gray, Ph.D. began to reveal gender difference to the mainstream in the early 1990′s in his series of books themed Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus and since the late 1990′s the probably less well-known pioneering work of David Deida has been examining the difference between the masculine and the feminine as it manifests in relationship. He describes the arc of attraction between the soft feminine and direct masculine as a natural phenomenon which can be harnessed for benefit in relationship. Knowing where we naturally stand on the continuum, where our partner stands, developing access together to the under-developed aspects of ourselves can expand the capacity of relationship.
As John Gottman, Ph.D. has revealed in his Pacific North-West love lab, couples who have long-term, satisfying relationships have the kind of emotional intelligence which allows them to be present for one another, manage their physiology so that conflict is less stressful and recovery more rapid, and allow their partner to influence them at appropriate times. These are all qualities found at the softer, more feminine end of the continuum. This doesn’t mean that women are necessarily better at being present, managing conflict or being influenced! It does mean that both men and women who appear at the more direct end of the continuum will benefit in relationship if they can expand their capacity toward the other, softer end. It also means that men and women who find it difficult to make a decision, stand up for themselves, and buckle under pressure will also benefit in relationship if they can expand their capacity at the firm, masculine end of the continuum.
If you’re interested in more information, the Evening Seminars and Weekend Workshops of Prepare2Partner’s Programme, starting in London in January 2010 will be exploring these type of issues.
Hi,
I appreciate the polls to get clarity on where one’s essence or sense of being lands and how one can be perceived given the cultural norms. I think the deep work is situating and living from the authenticity and being agile and responsive in one’s expression so that one’s totality can be seen and understand by different folks.
Your comments remind me of some of David Deida’s work. I also appreciated the variables that have been markers of successful and maybe even exemplar relationships by John Gottman.
Best,
T