Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
Rumi
To borrow the famous words of another famous man: I have a dream…
I have a dream that couples will routinely seek guidance before they commit to partnership, where they explore how well they know themselves and each other, how compatible they are, if they have a shared vision of their future together – all before making a commitment to one another. All before The Ring or The Proposal, getting pregnant or living together.
Why do I have this dream?
Because I’ve been consulted by too many unhappy couples; experienced the impact of separation and divorce on too many innocent children; and I truly believe satisfying, juicy, enduring relationships are possible. Possible IF there is preparation.
What kind of preparation? Too simple to say conscious, emotionally intelligent preparation to partner, but it’s something along those lines. I have worked with too many couples who, when it really comes down to that cold-light-of-day-reality truth telling, will admit that had they taken more time at the outset, done more exploration, not dived so soon into living together, or having a baby, or planning the wedding (rather than the marriage), they probably wouldn’t have chosen to stay together beyond the dazzle of the honeymoon phase. Back to the “I like grapefruit, you like grapefruit; let’s move in together!” type assessment which is so compelling in the moment, and so lacking in the long run.
Greg and Jill* are the kind of couple I love to work with and represent the vision I hold for the future for all couples. A devout Roman Catholic and a practicing Jew, they came to see me knowing they loved one another deeply but having grave concerns about how to blend their families and raise their potential children.
In their late twenties/early thirties, one a professional and one studying for a Ph.D., Greg and Jill had been dating for about nine months when they first consulted with me. Even as they walked into my office for the first time I was struck with the tenderness they showed one another, the care and concern, and they continually demonstrated mutual respect, openness and honesty. Certainly, the going got tough from time to time, but their underlying care for one another provided a firm foundation.
What a joy to be exploring their religious and spiritual beliefs, what shared meaning they might make of these for their children, how to respectfully introduce their families to one another given the differences (with consequent potential misunderstandings and prejudices). We made a plan for our work. We explored their beliefs and traditions in detail, each agreeing to attend the other’s place of worship in a mood of curiousity and open-ness. We examined their religious high days and holidays, their significance, and how it might be possible to celebrate both sets of traditions under one roof. We looked at ways to involve children in all these traditions and how sense could be made of a seemingly disparate jumble of eating special food, candle lighting, praying, singing and worshipping.
We took into account the particular nature of their parents’ circumstances – who they were, what they believed in, personal religious traditions, idiosyncratic dreams for their respective son and daughter in terms of future partner. Greg and Jill acknowledged that both sets of parents were hoping for a Catholic-Catholic union on one side, a Jewish-Jewish union on the other. A mix was not on their wish list. We gently explored ways of easing the blend, winning them over, creating the possibility for success on both sides.
To do this, both Greg and Jill had to be willing to explore their family of origin issues, know their triggers, find ways to manage their mood, stay committed to making each other a priority, listen deeply to each other’s stories and what mattered – really mattered – about their belief system. They had their work cut out! But the love they felt for one another provided the glue; emotional integrity the firm foundation.
THIS is what I desire for couples! Some dedicated couples can achieve this with the nudge of a great book like The 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say “I Do” by Susan Piver, or better still, others will take the opportunity to explore their unique concerns with someone who’s trained to see the bigger picture.
In January I will be launching the Prepare2Partner Programme – a series of workshops and seminars to explore those key qualities of partnership I’ve been blogging about over the last month or so. Comment below or sign up on the contact page to be the first to know the details!
*all client names (and some circumstances) changed to take care of confidentiality
