For something to grow and thrive, it needs to be nurtured. Nurtured? This includes feeding, protecting, cajoling, encouraging, loving, supporting, fostering development, even training and educating.
In the context of relationship, we benefit the most when each partner is responsible for nurturing three things:
- self
- other
- relationship
When I am nurturing myself I can say I am my best self – feeling loveable and loving. When I ignore my own needs, sacrificing them for somebody or something else, I begin to lose confidence and assurance, eventually feeling less loveable and definitely less loving toward my partner. It’s hard to be open to influence and be willing to compromise when I feel yucky about myself or my partner; I stop feeling curious about how my partner’s day went when I’m wound up inside with my own self-pity or anguish.
Reminds me of a story I often tell clients about self-care. Remember the last time you flew on a plane? Remember when the flight attendant went through the emergency procedure and talked about the oxygen masks? Well, it’s no mistake you are instructed to put on your own oxygen mask first, and then turn to help your dependents. If you try to put theirs on first, you’ll be out of oxygen and expire in front of their eyes! Unless you take care of yourself first, no-one else can rely on you for support.
Which reminds me of the alternative version of the Serenity Prayer, another favourite of mine. “Grant me the serenity to accept the person I cannot change, the courage to change the person I can, and the wisdom to know it is me” (and only me!).
Nurturing self, other and the relationship help form a powerful foundation so that in the face of challenging times, a couple can overcome their difficulties more easily. For me, a couple who nurture their relationship are nurturing their fondness and admiration for one another, deepening respect, proving to one another that they really like and choose one another every single day. One way to explore what you appreciate about yourself and your partner is to fill in the blank:
- I appreciate …… (about me)
- I appreciate …… (about you)
Make a list of as many things as you can think of for yourself and your partner. Examples could be:
- I appreciate using my skills to generate income for us
- I appreciate my sensitivity in dealing with your family
- I appreciate my commitment to our financial budget
- I appreciate how supportive I am to you in your ventures
- I appreciate how organized I keep the house
- I appreciate how flexible I am with your unpredictable schedule
- I appreciate how generous you are with me
- I appreciate when you empty the dishwasher
- I appreciate what a good mood you live in
- I appreciate when you bring me a cup of tea in bed
- I appreciate the loving things you say to me
- I appreciate the commitment to fidelity you have in our marriage
Then, when the time is right, explain what you’ve been up to and share the list about your partner with your partner! This usually produces smiles, chuckles and ultimately, mutual appreciation. Well done!
To consider:
- how do you nurture yourself? what does self-care mean to you and how do you engage in self-care?
- how does your partner like to be nurtured and appreciated? (if you don’t know, ask)
- if you don’t have a partner, what would they appreciate about you?
- if you are single, what would you like to appreciate about a partner?
