Emotional availability

Why is being emotionally available so important for partnership?

If you’ve ever tried to have a conversation with someone who’s preoccupied with work, their Blackberry, Facebook, Tweeting, preoccupied with the past, with the future, with the kids, with what might happen, what didn’t happen, what should have happened, etc., then you know first hand how difficult it is to relate to someone who isn’t present. At its simplest, being emotionally available means being present, being here now, being available for one’s mate – for conversation, for connection, for romance, for all that is involved in being partners.

Beyond being present, being emotionally available also means someone knows themselves well and doesn’t have to refer to outside sources for how they are or what they believe in.  Another way to say this is that they are self-referencing rather than other-referencing. Do I know how I feel and what I think regardless of how you feel and what you think? If you’re sad am I sad or can I maintain a mood of equilibrium in the face of your sadness? Am I able to take a stand for things that are important to me, even when they are at odds with other people’s opinions?

When someone can identify their moods, feelings and emotions, have what we call EQ (Emotional Intelligence – a term coined by Daniel Goleman, Ph.D. in his book of the same name), complimenting their IQ, then they are great candidates for having emotional availability.  Imagine someone who:

• can set boundaries, maintaining respect for themselves and the other person trying to overstep them;
• has already developed their own set of beliefs and values;
• has the desire and capacity to build trust;
• knows the difference between sympathy (intellectual and external) and empathy (emotional and internal) and can exercise empathic connection with another;
• has compassion for self and others, engages in forgiveness of self and others;
• has well-thought out goals and aspirations which are reality-based and not fantasy-based, and has a plan of action for meeting these goals;
• has undertaken some form of therapy or personal transformation work to resolve past issues (trauma, -ism, family of origin matters) and carries minimal emotional baggage with them.

These are the people who can identify Sammy Snake, Narcissist Nick, Momma’s Boy Brett, Daddy’s Girl Gail, Lawless Lou …. you get the idea, and walk away.  The really good news is that someone who is emotionally available is, in turn, only drawn and attracted to other emotionally available people.

I believe emotional availability is an absolute prerequisite for the type of partnership that is deeply rewarding, conscious, and evolves over time.  It’s what I’m committed to and strive for on a daily basis.

Some resources to consider:

• How to Recognize Emotional Availability and Make Healthier Relationship Choices by Bryn Collins, M.A., L.P.
• Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ by Daniel Goleman, Ph.D.
• The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle