She says to her partner, in a hurt and disappointed voice: “you never tell me you love me.” He responds, with surprise and indignation: “but I wash your car every week!”
Classic scenario. Miscommunication at its most fundamental. I’m saddened when a couple demonstrate this kind of exchange in my presence. It goes beyond the car of course, extending to a myriad of misses – miscommunication, misunderstanding, misinterpretation.
If we refer to Gary Chapman’s best-selling The Five Love Languages, we’re seeing someone desiring words of affirmation instead being given an act of service.
In this scenario it’s most likely that he feels well cared for when she prepares dinner for him, irons his shirts and generally does those traditional wifely duties because he gives what he likes to receive – acts of service. There was probably a time when she told him how much she appreciated him washing the car or doing the washing up and it didn’t even register for him – she was giving what she likes to receive – words of affirmation.
It’s always fascinating to watch how couples communicate their appreciation for one another and how, over time, romantic banter can so easily deteriorate into misses. How to avoid the misses?
Ask your partner how they like to be appreciated. Learn how you like to be appreciated and communicate this to your partner. Chapman refers to:
- Words of affirmation
- Quality time
- Receiving gifts
- Acts of service
- Physical touch
Just initiating and having the conversation will be a great start!
Food.
And stuff that I wont mention here
All the best from Brighton,
Mark
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